Life is notoriously unpredictable which is particularly unappreciated by a routine-loving individual like myself. 2023 brought about a relentless string of bad luck and negative events that left my self-esteem shattered. It felt like I was trapped in a never-ending cycle of disappointment, setbacks, and failure. For a sad while, I let these things affect me mentally as well as physically. I lost a lot of weight, I developed unhealthy thinking patterns, and gave up on hobbies I was usually passionate about. I was keeping up appearances on social media in hopes of disguising the turmoil I was in. But eventually, I opened up about it at surface level on a recent story post. 

Sometimes, it felt like the universe was conspiring against me. Maybe I was being punished for something I did in a past life. Over the past year, I faced a series of relentless setbacks that seemed to come one after another. I left an abusive relationship, contracted glandular fever, opened up my heart and had it broken, was failed by a system designed to protect me, grieved the loss of a family member, and was diagnosed with PTSD. It was as though I couldn’t catch a break and all the progress I had made over the last five years on my anxiety had been cruelly undone.

I didn’t know how profound the impact of bad luck could be on self-esteem. It has a way of eroding your confidence, making you question your decisions, and wondering if there is something very wrong within you. I found myself in a constant state of self-criticism and anxiety, wondering why I couldn’t seem to get things right and why I was never enough. It was miserable. 

It wasn’t until a week or so into the new year that I decided I couldn’t let myself feel this way any longer. I refused to allow the trauma and pain of 2023 define who I was or have long term effects on my mental health. I want to open up a little further and share my personal journey of how I coped with this really shitty time and what steps I’m taking in 2024 to rebuild my self-esteem.

Self-reflection:

The first thing I began doing to regain my self-esteem was self-reflection; I needed to remind myself that bad luck is a part of life, and it doesn’t define my worth. I’m not fated to a lifetime of misfortune;  it was just a difficult year marked by a series of unfortunate events that were interconnected, leading to a domino effect. I took the opportunity to recognise my emotions and made a choice. I could allow the pain of the past year to bring me down, or I could use it as a valuable lesson. I could learn and grow from it. 

Seeking support:

It’s crucial not to go through tough times alone. At my lowest point, I isolated myself from everybody, I didn’t want to be a burden, and I didn’t want my loved ones to see I had regressed in terms of my anxiety. I had worked so hard in the past to get to a good place, I worried I was letting them down. Eventually, I reached out to friends and family, shared my struggles and was brutally honest about how low I had gotten. There was no judgement or disappointment, just concern for my well-being. Having this support system in place allowed me to feel heard, validated, and confident that, with their help, I could bounce back to my fun, bubbly self. 

Having a little self-compassion:

I have always been my harshest critic, but during this time, I let how others treated me affect the way I viewed myself. I began to feel like I was never enough. It took some time, but finally I began treating myself with the same kindness and understanding that I would offer to someone else in my position. For example, I wasn’t eating enough; so instead of punishing myself further, I took a break from the gym, and I didn’t beat myself up over this decision. My body was weak and tired, and it didn’t deserve to be pushed further. This shift in mindset helped me silence negative thoughts about myself.

Cutting off those who hurt me:

There came a point where I was desperately clinging onto people who were only damaging my self-esteem further. I craved validation from people who I’m pretty sure now didn’t care if I lived or fuckin’ died. I have decided I need to be more firm with my boundaries. By cutting off those people it sends a clear message that I won’t accept mistreatment and that I know my worth. It also allows me space for healing and self-reflection. It’s a work in progress, but I’ll get there eventually. 

Celebrating small wins:

To counterbalance the string of shitty luck, I started celebrating even the smallest of victories. Whether it was going to the gym, making a positive change in my routine, or simply getting through a difficult day without having a meltdown, I noted these tiny wins as important steps on my journey to rebuilding self-esteem.

Embracing my own company: 

I felt as though I needed someone to complete me, that I alone wasn’t enough for me. But I know how wrong that is now. We are all complete individuals on our own, and personal fulfilment is vital to self-love. I have booked my first solo overseas trip, and I am attending concerts this year alone because I don’t need someone to enjoy the things I love. 

I’m currently sharing this message from my little AirBnB in the pretty town of Bormla, Malta. This year, I’ve already taken steps to step out of my comfort zone and go on a solo journey to a destination I’ve always wanted to explore. As I look ahead, I’m excited for the rest of the year to be filled with spontaneous and exciting choices that help me break free from the difficulties of the past year. Here’s to a year marked by peace, love, and a profound gratitude for the little things.

C x