I’ve been working on something exciting behind the scenes. This post is a little snippet of something much, much bigger.

Like many others, I am a people pleaser — I am also hopelessly aware of everyone’s feelings to a point I push my own needs aside in order to cater for those around me. I began equating my self-worth to how many people I could help or spend time with, even though I received little if nothing in return for my time. And time is PRECIOUS. Our time is not free, and therefore, time is a boundary in itself. Ask yourself, ‘Does this person respect and deserve my time?’ If the answer isn’t an immediate yes, then the answer to them should be no.

Life is short, time is valuable.

What is it you want?

Sit back, take a moment, and think about what is important to you. What makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable? What are your limits? Boundaries are there to protect your energy and serve your needs — aligning with your values and priorities.

Are you a bitch or do you just have boundaries?

We as women are very often discouraged from being assertive thanks to generations of societal pressure to be seen and not heard. And so, if a woman does decide to verbalise her boundaries, she is labelled rude or a “bitch”. If clearly and assertively expressing our boundaries to others makes us “bitchy” or like we have an attitude, then that is an issue with the person you are them communicating to. Because at the end of the day, if someone can’t respect your boundaries without insulting you, then they absolutely do not deserve to know you.

A top tip for establishing your boundaries is to use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need, rather than placing blame or criticising others. Be direct, respectful, and firm in your communication. Clearly express the boundaries you want to set. Specify what behaviours are acceptable and unacceptable to you. Leave no room for misunderstanding.

How does someone make you feel when you are with them?

Do you feel like you struggle to say ‘no’ to this person? Pay attention to your emotions and physical sensations as they can provide valuable cues about when your boundaries are being crossed by another person. Don’t ignore feelings of discomfort, anxiety, or tension — these sensations exist to protect you, and they may indicate a need for setting boundaries with this person. Someone who is worth your time shouldn’t leave you feeling drained and resentful towards them. It’s time to ditch people who bring out the worst version of yourself. Remember, emotional labour is still a form of labour, and you deserve to be compensated for your time.

Boundaries are self-care!

You might not realise it, but setting boundaries is an act of self-care. By establishing your boundaries, you are prioritising your well-being and honouring your own needs. Recognise that it is okay to put yourself first and say no to things that do not align with your values or impact your mental and emotional health negatively. And stop saying sorry when you tell someone no. If they handle the interaction well, say ‘thank you’ — boundaries are not something to apologise for. They are a necessity, not a preference.

Stay consistent

Setting boundaries is one thing, but consistently enforcing them takes time. Try to avoid submitting to exceptions or allowing boundaries to be crossed without consequence. Consistency reinforces the importance of your boundaries and shows your commitment to them, and by letting people repeatedly cross the boundaries, they may lose their value.

Some people may push back or try to test your boundaries. Stay firm and confident in your boundaries, even if it is met with resistance. Remind yourself that you have the right to set boundaries that align with your needs and values. Your boundaries are not negotiable.

Respect others’ boundaries

Just as you have the right to set boundaries, remember to respect the boundaries of others. Be mindful of their needs and limits, and avoid crossing their boundaries without their consent. Respect their boundaries the same way you’d want them to respect yours. As they say, ‘treat others how you’d expect to be treated yourself’.

Setting boundaries is a process that takes practice and self-awareness. Be patient with yourself and recognise that it may require ongoing reinforcement for them to really stick. But over time, setting and maintaining these boundaries will get easier.